As part of my on going healing journey, I thought it important to change the relationship I have with my tumour. I want to move away from talking about it like it’s separate from me. I also want to move away from talking in a negative tone as if it’s something harmful. You might be reading this scratching your head thinking “is this guy for real?! He has a brain tumour, and the more it grows the more danger his life is in!”. Well, you would be right to think that! But when I’m looking from a healing perspective, and looking at the facts as I see them, I need to look after my tumour, love it and care for it, as it is part of me. It’s there for a reason, because I created the right conditions for it to thrive, because a lot of things were out of balance in my life – physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. And so, instead of casting it out into the cold and attacking it, I am now embracing and loving my tumour, because I love me, and he is part of me, and the power of self-love is healing. I want to bring balance back to my life…..

You with me? Good, here we go……

Dear Terry

How are you? In fact, I think I know how you are, as you are me, and I feel good, despite a little doubt creeping in here and there.

I should have written to you a long time ago, but if I’m being honest, I’ve haven’t been ready until recently. I certainly wasn’t ready to last summer, and before then I was acknowledging you when it suited me, and then ignoring you and hoping you’d just go away the rest of the time. I had an initial plan and story of what I wanted to happen, and I got very attached to the story going a certain way, which was this;

After the operation, you were meant to just wither away or disappear into the background quietly. In doing so, I’d experience less pain, but I’d have automatically grown in confidence with a new passion for life and a feeling of “that was close and bloody scary, but now it’s over I can carry on with my life and start having some fun”. But, you didn’t do that did you??…..No!!

The plan we were meant to follow was that after a couple of years of check-up scans, Simon Stapleton would say to me “well Damon, that’s it, I’m not expecting anything else to happen. Come back next year but it really is just a formality.”

After the operation I thought I’d learnt a lot. A lot about what the important things are in life. I thought I’d learnt enough and had enough of a scare that it made me appreciate life so much more and had given me new inspiration to go out into the world and create positive change and be recognised for it.

2020 was a great year, and I have to give you credit for helping me move into coaching, and finding Amanda! Both of these things have changed my life for the better!

Looking back, I can see that I still had a weight on my shoulders, a fear of you growing, and fear of asking specific questions about you in case I didn’t like the answer I was given. I was still living in fear. I guess I was still coming to terms with you, processing and getting used to you. And that’s OK. Why wouldn’t it take me a little time to adjust to you, a little time to be able to adapt and flow properly? I guess I was treating you as something separate to me, the unwanted person at my party just left in the corner and not made to feel welcome – resentful that you’d actually shown up, but willing to accept the positive attention you brought into my life. I felt at your mercy and was just waiting for your next move, and hoping it wouldn’t be the one I feared……growth…..

I had so much mixed emotion towards you. I still do if I’m really honest, but I feel more open to listening and more in control and aware of my power and strength. You’d brought me such positivity, but also so much fear as well. I just didn’t know how to treat you. I hope you can forgive me based on the fact that I was learning and trying to figure things out. And because I was scared of you, I didn’t want to bring you in from the cold and form a proper healthy relationship with you. Does that make sense? Fear is a funny thing and makes us do strange things. It stops us from seeing all the different choices available to us, and instead we think there are limited choices – to be quite frank – live or die. By accepting you and acknowledging you wholeheartedly, I think my subconscious fear was that that would give you power and make you grow. When in actual fact, my leaving you out in the cold was probably what caused you to grow. That said, once I had accepted your growth and surrendered and pushed past the fear, you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

I now have purpose. I now have power. I am starting to see how strong I really am and what I am really capable of as a human. I see the choices available to me. I now trust the universe, I trust myself, and I trust love. And as fucking hard as it is to say, and it still scares the crap out of me for a moment and brings a tear to my eye, I love you. I am you. You are me. And you’ve played, and are now playing, such an amazing role in my growth as a person.

So, maybe everything happened as it was meant to and when it was meant to?

Thank you for making me me

Lots of love

Damon

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog. Have you got a challenge in your life you could do with looking at from a different angle? I’d love to hear from you and support you in making that change in mindset….after all….if we want to change the world (and our world), we have to change the way we look at it.